Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Healing After a Confession

I sighed. “There goes that sighing again what’s the matter?”
“I wish you wouldn’t lie to me, I know the truth.”
“Really, You’ve done so much for me already, I don’t really want for anything. I can think about so really bad scenarios that could be going on in my life right now that makes my situation look great. If You spoil me or chasten me I’ll still love You.”
“Thank You for that. But you said you wanted our relationship to grow. With that I’m going to require complete honesty from you and I need for you to trust me with a little more than what you’re comfortable with. Step out of your shell and willingly expose yourself to me. Don’t just tell me things that you think sound right or you think I want to hear. I know your heart, but I want you to surrender willingly to me.” I have been blocking and pushing people away because of this disease and every so often He’d tug at the Band-Aid I’ve put over it. I quickly replace the Band-Aid, knock His hand out of the way and change the subject. He’s not aggressive in healing me though and tries again later on only to receive the same treatment.
“Why don’t you trust me? Let me help you.”
“You can’t help! I mean I know you can but…I don’t deserve it, after all I’ve done this to myself. Whatever. just don't worry about it. It's fine. I'm ok.” We don’t deserve any of the gifts He gives us but He gives them anyway and wants us to ask for help anyway. I was fully aware of this but not fully ready to forgive myself for being so careless with my body, after all I knew better! I’d been to the seminars; I just didn’t think it happen the first time trying the unsafe thing. Plenty of people did it all the time, so what was just once right? Wrong!
“Do you think I can heal you?”
“Ouch…” Arrgh! So there it is, now I’ve done it. I’ve hurt His feelings. But actually He knew all along which means I’ve been hurting Him for a while now.
“Sorry, I guess my faith is not where I thought.”
“It hurts that your faith in Me has waivered do to this, but I’m glad you’re being truthful to me. Are you ready to grow?”
“Uh oh.” I know that tone and that means He’s going to start nudging me out of my comfort zone like a mother eagle to her babies when teaching them to fly. I can feel His claw right at my back getting ready to push me out the nest. “I guess I’m ready. Scared, but whatever bring it on.”
“What are you afraid of?”
“Rejection, ridicule, shunning, judgment….”
"So man…your peers, because you’re definitely not talking about Me. Although I’m sure when we we’re studying on fear we went over to not fear man and those who can destroy your body and not your soul. The fear you speak of comes from pride.”
“Ok, I know.”
“I need you to reach out to those who are going through the same isolation you’re going through. I want you to be a helpful reminder to them that I love them. I will not forsake them, I want to be everything to them and more importantly I want to heal the emotional wounds that was left because of it.”
One in two sexually active young people will get an STD by the age of 25.  Most young people with STDs don’t even know they have them. Getting tested is the only way to know for sure.  Every year there are more than 19 million new cases in the U.S. 
Left untreated, some STDs can cause infertility or increase your risk of getting cancer.  More than 50 percent of sexually active people will get HPV at some point during their lives.
Whether you’re someone who became infected with an std before you began your journey w/Christ or after, it can be a truly lonely and isolated experience. There seems to be a lot more resources and support for those who want to continue a secular lifestyle. I so happened to get HSV-2  (herpes) long before I met Him.  I’ve had a couple relationships after finding out but they weren’t built on the right things. As a matter of fact I met Him during my last relationship in which I told the young man that I no longer wanted to have premarital sex anymore. This was not to entice him into marriage because I was nowhere near ready to marry him; I just wanted to work on me.  Of course he was not okay with that so we soon parted ways. It’s been quite a few years since then and now I’m being led out of my comfort zone of secrecy to help those who feel all alone in their situation. It’s saddening that with this kind of issue; you’re more comfortable sharing with secular circles than your own church family. Especially since it’s a place for healing. Don’t get me wrong this is not a substitute for the ones you already fellowship with but an expansion to your family. I’ve looked around and have not found any support groups for those who now choose to live for Jesus, but because of prior sin have gotten an std. (Unless you’re trying a dating site, which was not what I was looking for). The purpose for this group is for fellowship, growth, and healing with Him. I have to admit that this circumstance has caused our relationship to thrive in that I can tell Him any and everything. He has truly been my best friend. 

The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit Ps 34:18
Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. 1Pet 3:8
 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.  1 John 1:7

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Tuesday, October 2, 2012

My Cherished Sin

“I wish you wouldn’t do that.”

“Why? I know You don’t really like when I do it but I’m not really hurting anyone. If it’s so wrong for me to do, surely You can tell me why…or at least show me in Scripture where to find it.”

Daddy simply gazed upon me and sighed.  “Don’t you trust me?”

“Yes.”  You’re just a little overly protective.

“What was that?”


“You complained that there was a distance between us the last time you did that, why risk that again?  If you were ready to understand why you shouldn’t I would have explained that to you already but you aren’t able to fully understand yet.  I will show you and teach you the things that are important for you to learn at this time.
So I would like for you to take Me at my word when I say it’s bad for you.

Fine! I’m sure I can find it on my own. I huffed and searched through Scripture after praying mechanical prayers for His Spirit’s guidance all the while not getting the answer to my question.  He knows the answer I’m sure of it so why can’t He answer me now and then we can move on to the next lesson?  This has happened so many times before and no matter how hard I try with my own might, I never get anywhere. Mostly at times like these, I get my answer days, months, or even years later! 

“I need you to stay focused.  So much time has been wasted on things you’re not ready for. I have a bigger mission to accomplish and I would like your help. Furthermore, are you telling me that if I simply show you where to find it in My Word, that’s all you’ll need to stop and obey me? I know what’s in your heart and this vice has a place in it, you won’t give it up so easily.  That being said, you know how jealous I can be when it comes to your cherished things. Things that you won’t give up for anyone including Me so you can rest assure, I’ll address your question later. “

He’s always right, even if I hadn’t confessed everything to Him. He already knew I wasn’t going to be able to give up my habit so quickly. I wasn’t ready, I still enjoy it. I was just stalling for time.  He called my bluff  a few days later and showed me what I wanted (or didn’t want) to see in His Word.  He was right, it was not all I needed to change that habit.  My will was too weak so I gave up trying to stop and soon after other bad habits that I didn’t realize were linked to old ones appeared. I crossed lines that I never had before and did things I said I’d never do.  I struggled for weeks later until finally I asked Him to take the desire away and replace it with something good for me. Thankfully He didn’t hold a grudge for me not trusting Him and being disobedient after I apologized.  He took the reins after that, distracting me with gardening and other new found hobbies. 

The Creator knows how our minds and our bodies react to things.  Everyone is wired differently and He has the blueprints.  He knows that one “little” cherished thing  or habit can open the door for many others that we never had a problem with before.  The best route for us to take is trust that He knows what’s best for His Creation.  I’ve learned the hard way to let Him drive and enjoy the ride.  It’s okay to ask Him questions on things I don’t understand but be willing to accept the answer He gives me.

Lord, my heart is not hearty.  Nor my eyes lofty.  Neither do I concern myself with great matters.  Nor with things too profound for me.  Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul.  Like a weaned child with his mother.  Like a weaned child is my soul within me.
Psalm 131:1-2